One might think that one’s teen years are the most unstable years of one’s life and that adulthood should resemble the maturity and growth of one’s age. One might think that once you are in your 30’s, married with 2.5 kids, dogs, house and possessing a graduate degree, one is most likely to have situated oneself in a stable life. This one doesn’t think that anymore.
I really did think that I had things under control and that I could effectively navigate through and around the things that weren’t. Life decided to make other plans for me. High school was a cinch in comparison to what I have been going through for the past 3 months. It’s not just one curve ball, it’s the sixteen balls of various sizes and at varying speeds that have been hurled at me. Yes, I counted and I’m sure that I’ve missed some. Oh wait, make that seventeen. There have been a few ups, but only 1 for every 5 downs.
I really don’t feel I led that much of a charmed life up until now that this shock to my system is unreasonable. However, I do have blessings in my life and I know it is especially important during this difficult time that I count them. It just seems impossible, though, to keep them at the forefront of my mind when everyday something new gets thrown into the mix. Plus, the more I try to remember how lucky I am when all I feel like doing is wallowing in my misery, the more guilty I end up feeling for wallowing when there are so many who are worse off than me, thus adding to my misery. It’s a vicious circle.
I just keep holding onto the idea that this hard time will eventually end and that my struggles will lead the way to something bigger and better. I will come out of this stronger and wiser. I feel like I’ve been pushed and punched, but since I’m still breathing (and typing), I guess I’m not totally broken. I just don’t know how much longer I can keep getting up. Maybe I should start each day with the Rocky theme song.