>This weekend I was floundering like a fish out of water.  (I’m a piscean, so this has all sorts of meanings for me.)  I lost it a little this past weekend.  When I should have been thinking of all the servicemen and women who have lost their lives for my country, I was spiraling downward in a toilet of hormones and self-pity.  It was not pretty, let me tell you.  My poor husband, as usual, got the brunt of it, but he stepped up to the plate and was there for me when I needed him most.  It’s a good thing he loves me.

Flapping and thrashing was I.  In need of a sense of direction am I.  Yoda is me not.  In all sincerity, I feel a bit lost.  I know that my time as a stay-at-home mom is temporary.  I have an end point at which either I must return to a normal day job or have contrived a means of being able to have a flexible work schedule, either part or full-time, that would allow me time at home during the day to care for my children (and to have a home in which to do it).  Therefore, this maternity leave that turned into me being downsized turned into a ticking clock.  Not a very relaxing thing to have hanging over you nor does it help to feel that pressure when dealing with a 2 1/2 year old.  Part of my thrashing about lies in my inability to plan for my family’s future.  Not that any person necessarily has a guaranteed future for any length of time.  Anything can happen at any time,  Still, there is a definite lack of employment in mine and, as much as I welcome the freedom of this time to care for my very young family, I would welcome a sense of stability that comes with a steady paycheck.

Typical of my zodiac sign, I am two fish trying to swim in opposite directions.  I am excited for the prospect of something new and better professionally.  At the same time, I feel slightly panicked about not working when I know I will have to sooner than later in my life and am desperate to nail down a job.  I want known money coming in so I can make plans for my children, but I also want to give myself the opportunity I to find work that I deserve rather than just the first thing that I can latch on to.  I have a little time to work towards achieving what I want for me and my family, but that deadline is looming over my shoulder.  I don’t want to wait too long and then be stuck at the last minute with something bad, but rushing could mean passing up this valuable gift of time.

In the meantime, I am just doing my best to make it day-by-day, week-by-week and savor my children because even the older one has grown too fast for my liking.  Before I know it, their little lives will be big lives and it will be “Cats in the Cradle” all up in this place.  I keep telling myself that life will work its way out in the end.  I mostly believe it, too.  It just came crashing down a little on me this weekend.  I let it out and now I’m moving on.  Until next time.

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