I’m in limbo. This is not new. I sense a trend in my life and am working to come to terms with it. I am never satisfied. I always want more. I also don’t feel like I’ve arrived at that place where I am happy with where I am. The trend here is that once I get to a goal, I instantly make a new one. I always have one eye on where I am and the other looking ahead and, truthfully, it can make me a little cross-eyed at times. Right now, in fact. I want so much for my life, but most of all I want to be happy. It’s not that I’m particularly unhappy. It’s just that, well, I want more. What exactly would that entail and, if I did get it, would that make me finally satisfied?
I could write about how I want to write that fantastically witty and refreshing new novel that will eventually become a movie and star what’shername and him as the lead couple. I could write about how I want to advance in my current career as a school librarian, either moving up in public education or pursue writing and research in the field and become a well-regarded intellectual on matters of libraries and information literacy. Most often, my fantasy happiest-life centers around winning the lottery. (Well, not me, but my husband. I don’t believe in playing the lottery.) I vary the amounts of the winning depending on my mood. Sometimes I think just a small amount. Not so much that it ruins our lives, but just enough to take care of this or that. Inevitably the amount grows to take care of that and that and this and the other thing, until it’s enough that neither one of us would have to work again, but of course, I would pursue something of small greatness with my new free time. Like that novel.
Eventually, I settle on that most people don’t hit it big and that although I can set some goals for my life, I need to keep them realistic and I also need to take time to be happy in my life as it is now. There’s no harm in looking ahead and endeavoring for more, but with a husband, house, a toddler, an infant, two dogs and a metabolism that hasn’t completely gone kaput on me yet, I also need to enjoy what I have now…which is my cup of coffee and cinnamon raisin toast with butter.