My hormones are in rare form today.  I was breathing fire first period and in tears by second.  Most of the time I am very good at my job.  I am knowledgeable in my field and when I’m on, I’m good, really good.  However, on the odd day every month or so I’m like Dr. Jekyll and Librarian Hyde.  It’s bad because the students really need consistency and, well,…they don’t know the warning signs like my husband.  Very few will know enough to take cover and god help those with the big mouths.  Their fluctuating hormones and mine are a lethal combination.  It’s not often, but when it happens, it’s bad.

To add salt to the persisting wound, I read an article that was a hugely insulting attack on educators and I felt more saddened at the vast amount of anger towards teachers that subsists.  What is going on in this world that I’m the enemy?  I bust my rear end to do the best that I can for these students all the while having one arm tied behind my back and my colleagues are doing the same.  Is the governor really that good that he can make so many people so hateful?  Spread lies, instill hatred, divide and then conquer.  I just feel so hopeless.  I don’t want to fight anymore.  Instead, I feel very vulnerable and thin-skinned.  If teachers are going to be so hated, why should I continue to do it?  This is why we’re going to lose out on education in this state.  Few highly educated people are going to want to take this on if all they’re going to do is get beaten over the head for it.  I take enough mouthing-off from the teens I’m doing my damnedest to help.  I expect it from them, but not from the greater populace each and every day.  I don’t feel like I want to be a part of education anymore and that is upsetting in itself because it would mean abandoning something I truly believe in.  That, and at the same time I’m feeling immensely sentimental over some of the students I will be missing next year.

This is not what I set out to do.  This is not all that I could be accomplishing.  Education is noble and I’ve been trying to do everything I can with what I have, but I’m not satisfied with the return on my investment anymore.  I had been making some headway in my job and now I’m getting shoved back two for every step I take.  I feel discouraged, disheartened, dejected, depressed, downtrodden and disinterested.  I mostly love what I do, but today I just am not feeling it.

Like I said, my hormones are in rare form.